


IED in the Room

by ElReyCiervo



Series: Yulmallen AU Drabbles [4]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alma Needs a Hug, Alma lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger, Behavioral Health Issues, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Hatred, Hugs, IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Alma Karma, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElReyCiervo/pseuds/ElReyCiervo
Summary: Drabble #4) Alma's hatred is incredibly potent and destructive, and there are times where they have trouble controlling their anger.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: language; behavioral health issues.

As ugly as it was, hate was a very consuming and powerful emotion.

Potent, destructive.

…And damningly crippling as well.

It was most often thought that it was Yuu that had the most issues with his aggression and anger, what with his threats to slice people open or stab them. However; believe it or not, it was actually Alma that struggled the most. They tried their best to keep it in check, but they were not a perfect person.

Ever since they had awakened, trapped in those tight and coiling cables and pipes, it was hatred that pumped their blood and anger that colored their incredibly pale (at the time) skin. Regaining all their memories from their fuzzy mind had made all the hurt and anger surge to the forefront of their mind anew. God, they hated thinking about that terrible time in the North American branch and the aftermath in Mater. Their all-encompassing fury and deep-seeded grudge made them almost _kill_ Yuu and caused Allen so, _so_ much harm. _There isn’t a day that I don’t blame myself for causing Allen’s early awakening._

They did not think much of their anger when they were a child—it felt like it was just yesterday that they were standing around the steaming pools of the other apostles, reading stories to them as Yuu sat next to them—but it tended to be explosive and destructive when it came. Tossed tables, heavy punches, and broken limbs were all too common. Leading up to these episodes was the all too familiar feeling of burning heat swelling in their belly as if they wanted to breathe fire, the sharp ringing in their ears as frustration drowned out any noise, and a dark tunnel shaping their vision as reason and restraint crumpled away like paper turning to ash in a roaring inferno.

It was all-consuming, swallowing them up like a ravenous monster.

...Perhaps it was fitting—they felt like a monster more often than not.

All of these episodes often spurned from something as minute and simple as an off-hand comment, but other times Alma just couldn’t control their hate and their grudge towards all those that wronged them and their lovers. All the negative, scalding, _burning_ emotions built and built until it exploded outward like a bomb (1). They tried their best to control their episodes: tried to stay calm, tried meditating more and more with Yuu to get a better grip on their mental state, tried reading enjoyable books with Allen to take their mind off the negative, but…damn _it was **so hard**_.

Like now, for example.

They had gotten back from a long, tiring mission from Spain, grumpy from the blazing heat of the country, just in time to see a group of finders and scientists they did not recognize clustering in a circle in the dining hall. They had been confused since it was mostly exorcists that caused this kind of hub-bub (not the scientists or finders), and was shocked as they got closer and heard the group slandering and insulting whomever was in the center of the circle. _What the hell? Why are they so rude?_ Wanting to know what was going on, Alma pushed through the crowd in order to gain a better view of who was in the middle of the circle, and felt a terrible, icy vice clench around their heart.

Yuu was snarling at the jeering instigators, Mugen a gleaming crimson in his hand, while Allen was standing quiety a little behind Yuu— _Why was he being so passive? Allen what happened to you?—_ hands folded behind his back and starting at a point on the floor in front of him. Allen was never one to shut down and let people walk all over him, and Yuu hadn’t been this bothered by something (by people he didn’t give a damn about, nonetheless) in a very long time.

They couldn’t take it anymore, and the question burst out before they could think. “What the heck is going on here?” They frowned, making wary eye contact with the people in the circle, daring them to step forward, as they drew closer to their lovers. They put a hand on Allen and Yuu’s shoulders, and they were bothered by the tremors—restraint in Allen’s case and fury in Yuu’s— that travelled from their bodies to Alma’s hands.

“Alma, you should go,” Allen said under his breath, finally making eye contact with them.

Their thick brows furrowed, and something uncomfortable grew in their chest. “Allen, I’m not leaving. Not when the two of you are, from the looks of it,” they broke eye contact for a second to glance around at the crowd, “are being harassed by these people.”

One of the spectators must have picked up on part of their sentence because they laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. “‘Harassed’?” The finder grinned, “Why, we’re just putting these freaks in their place!”

“‘Freaks’?” Alma parroted, incredulousness coloring their tone. _How dare they insult Yuu and Allen!_

Yuu shifted in order to draw himself closer to Alma and Allen. “They’re just being stupid, Alma. Just go. Don’t make yourself upset about this.”

Alma knew what the two of them were doing: they did not want them to get upset about this—did not want them to get triggered into another episode of explosive anger. But dammit to hell, they would not stand here and let their lovers be insulted and bothered by these terrible people. “If it was simply stupid people,” Alma countered, “then you two would have been long gone.”

Before either of them could get a word in, someone else in the angry crowd, a scientist this time, threw up his hand in an angry gesture. “Hey exorcist, don’t lot yourself with these freaks. This one,” he pointed towards Allen who met the gesture with a blank—but Alma knew him well enough to see the hurt swirling in those mercury pools—gaze, “is a fucking _Noah_. Don’t even know why this traitor is still even here, heh. Should have been executed a long time ago, put down like the damn mangy dog that he is.”

They broke out in a cold swear. “He’s not—!”

“And that one,” he continued as he pointed to Yuu, ignoring Alma’s interjection, “isn’t even really human! He’s a science experiment for fuck’s sake!” Worry, anger, and anxiousness made Alma feel sick because _how did they find out??!_ The Second Exorcist program wasn’t supposed to be so known like that. “He parades around like he’s a normal person, ha! He should go back to the test tube where he belongs.”

Even though Allen would not defend himself, he seemed like he could not help but stand up for their lover. “Yuu is more human than you could ever be,” Allen scowled, mercury eyes glinting with anger.

“Oh, so you finally said something, you filthy monster? What don’t you come here and do something about it or…”

Alma knew that the dumb man in the crowd said something else because of his lips moving, but they couldn’t hear the last part over the increasing ringing in their ears. _Shit, shit, not here!_ They tried taking calming breaths, tried to hold theirself in because if they popped off now, it would not be pretty.

Yuu’s lips were moving, then Allen’s, yet Alma was not good at lip reading. A familiar touch on their shaking shoulder made him realize that they were talking to them. If they opened their mouth, they would scream, they would yell, they would— _keep it together, keep it together, keep it together—_

Their mental chanting was all for naught as they gritted their teeth, feeling a few crack and heal as they watched and felt Yuu being shoved away from them and saw several eggs being thrown at Allen. Their lungs constricted and a deep, hot feeling of _hate_ roared in their belly.

Just before they blacked out, they heard theirself roar, “Listen here you sons of bitches! I—”

—It was quiet.

They didn’t remember how they got here, sitting on the top of this staircase in one of the more secluded hallways of the Order.

They felt two people on either side of him, and Alma was distinctly uncomfortable at how long it took them to realize that it was Allen and Yuu. Their two lovers were not talking, just holding them. Whenever Alma had an episode, Allen and Yuu always waited for them to calm down and talk first. Swallowing hard, they slowly shifted as they grabbed Allen and Yuu’s hands.

“What…did I do this time?” where the first words that spilled out of their mouth.

Allen squeezed their hand in his left, and Alma grounded theirself in the texture of his skin. “Don’t worry about that, love,” he said as he stroked a black nailed-thumb over their knuckles. “Those idiots won’t be bothering anyone anymore.”

Yuu used his other hand to rake through Alma’s hair, cupping the back of their head and resting it on his shoulder. “A couple of flipped chairs and bruises ain’t shit,” he murmured as he continued stroking Alma’s hair. “News got to Komui pretty quickly and those idiots are on disciplinary action now.”

Alma knew there was more to that but felt too drained to pry. Their skin still felt clammy and chest still tight, but was beginning to relax against their lovers. “I hate it,” they whispered, heart heavy as if a secret was just admitted.

“Hn?”

“I hate everything about this Order,” they clarified, clenching their fists; Allen and Yuu squeezed back. “I hate the awful people here. I hate that they hate you guys. You two are so wonderful, so perfect!” They lifted up their head to meet cobalt and mercury gazes. “They don’t know how caring and thoughtful and-and-and loving you are! Yuu, even though you’re like me, you still are human.” _Yuu’s more human than I could ever hope to be._ They would never tell him that, though. They knew that Yuu (and Allen) hated when Alma thought less of theirself. “You’re every bit human as everyone else, and-and Allen! Allen, you’re not the Noah in your body! You’re not a traitor and you would never betray us, and I despise that people think that about you.”

Alma was thankful that neither of their lovers stopped them yet, because they really needed to get this out. “The Order has caused us _so_ much pain. Allen, Yuu, they’ve hurt you _so, so much_.” They sniffled as tears welled in their eyes and rolled down their cheeks. “ _I hate them so much that I **can’t stand it** …_” (2)

The experiments, the pain, dying over and over again, being tortured, Allen turning and being hunted down, Allen battling with his own mind every day…

They hated it.

It burned them like acrid bile rising from their stomach.

But…

…As the three of them embraced each other, warm and alive and _here together_ , Alma thought that they could trudge on. As long as Alma had these two men, they could swallow the hate that often threatened to consume them once again.

They would keep walking, as Allen always said.

Keep walking with Yuu and Allen.

* * *

 Published: 9/30/16

**Author's Note:**

> (1) Bomb: the mid 1800’s, I’m pretty sure, is too early for the term IED (the explosive). So in this case, I use “bomb”. Anyway, I kinda headcanon that Alma has Intermittent Explosive Disorder, aka IED. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_explosive_disorder) 
> 
> (2) Remember in canon where Alma is in Yuu’s arms and is crying because the hate is just so much? “I hate them so much I can’t stand it!” Yeah, I remember that deep, painful hatred and grudge, too. 
> 
> A/N 1: Thank you to LorellaMoon, Wragziez, and Chiyozora for dropping a comment last installment!  
> A/N 2: I've recently changed my DGM tumblr url, so it is no longer ms-musicl0vertheexorcist. My DGM tumblr is elreyexorcista and my other one is badlydrawnyullen.


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